I’m very excited for the Season 6 premiere of Game of Thrones, mostly so we can all stop writing articles about why Jon Snow is coming back to life. Let’s get this resurrection over with, shall we? Literally everyone knows it’s coming.
Tonight’s episode is entitled “The Red Woman,” and the plot description is so ridiculously vague that it sounds like a Mad Men episode:
Jon Snow is dead. Daenerys meets a strong man. Cersei sees her daughter again.
Well, okay then!
Let’s start with the Jon Snow portion of the premiere. As much as I don’t want to theorize about this bastard for another week, I’m fairly certain the resurrection will not take place this week. More than likely, I think we’ll see a bunch of conversations between Davos and Melisandre about Jon Snow, and his revival will be set up very heavily, but we won’t actually see it until the end of next week. David and Dan will want to stretch the tension out for just a bit longer, and besides, the name of the third episode is called “Oathbreaker.” Could that involve Jon breaking his oath to the Night’s Watch, perhaps?
Across the narrow see, Daenerys has been taken captive by the khalasar, and I’m very much looking forward to seeing where the hell any of this is going. Please, for the love of God, can it not involve Dany meeting the new Khal and being taken as his sex slave? That being said, I will accept something like this if it ends with Drogon torching the crap out of him before Jorah and Daario even make it there.
Next we’ve got Cersei, who I’m pretty sure is about to literally destroy all of Westeros in retaliation for the death of –. There’s nowhere this can be leading other than an all out war between the Lannisters and the Martells, right? I am so ready for that, and as someone who actually kind of likes the Sand Snakes, I’m exited to see them actually have something significant to do. A Cersei assassination plot, perhaps?
Then we’ve got Sansa and Theon, on the run after jumping from the top of a tower and being perfectly unharmed because the snow broke their fall, I guess. Who knows where exactly they’re going, but if the two of them don’t run into Brienne and Pod, I am going to be so pissed. There’s only so many near misses we can stomach before it just becomes cruel. Maybe Sansa will realize Brienne is looking out for her this time after she confronts a bunch of Boltons and the four will team up to go on a magical adventure to the wall? It would be a very Game of Thrones-esque piece of dramatic irony to see Sansa taken to the Wall, only to discover Jon is dead.
Oh yeah, and Bran is back in this episode after a full season absence! He hasn’t done much in a while, but this might actually be the storyline I’m most looking forward to this year if only for all the crazy vision sequences it appears we’ll be getting. That includes the Tower of Joy, of course, and a whole lot of Night’s King action. Looks like Bran’s role will basically be to fill in pieces of backstory and preview the show’s final battle between Fire and Ice, but hey, I’m cool with that.
For Arya, I’m guessing we’ll get literally one scene reminding us she still exists in which she stumbles around blind and not much else happens. From what Maisie Williams has said, it sounds like Arya is basically taking the season off this year, which is unfortunate since she’s maybe my favorite character in the series. But then again, it’s probably better they give her a rest rather than inventing some dumb, unimportant subplot that goes nowhere just to waste time.
Over in Meereen, Tyrion and Varys get to have a full season of ruling together as BFFs, which sounds like a blast, honestly. This premiere will probably involve the setup to a season-long political subplot, perhaps involving Tyrion dealing with the Sons of the Harpy?
It should be a fun season, and I’m looking forward to actually experiencing Game of Thrones without any book knowledge whatsoever. Maybe breaking free of the constraints of the book will prove to a good thing for this show, and we can all just forget this is an adaptation and enjoy it for what it is without complaining about changes?
Oh who am I kidding, it will be an entire season of book readers complaining harder than ever. Here we go.